Monthly Archives: November 2015

Sound healing

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Sound healing

While I like the new area I moved my family to and I do feel it is a better place to raise my boys than where we were living before, being new in a pseudo-regional mountain area as opposed to the city is not an ideal situation when you find yourself suddenly single. I needed to build a network in my new area and sooner rather than later. I’m quite comfortable in my own company, but I prefer it when it’s a choice and not when it comes with a lead-weight feeling of isolation, so I hit Google and attempted to find myself some places to be when the boys are with their dad.

It took me a few weeks to find an event that both interested me and suited my free time schedule – a new moon meditation and healing using crystal singing bowls. I’d been looking for something in the yoga/meditation direction given my recent life changes and current need for a bit of self-focus and this sounded perfect. It had the added bonus of falling on a Friday night, and for some reason going home to an empty house on a Friday night is the worst part of being single for me and I really do work hard at trying to avoid it. If I don’t have any place to be I’ll head down to the gym, put headphones on, crank up some energising music and jump on the treadmill until blissful exhaustion overtakes that almost physical pang of emptiness and loneliness.

I didn’t really know what to expect at the sound healing session but I have to say it exceeded all expectations. The beautiful sound swirled around the large studio and I felt completely immersed in it. I left feeling uplifted, energised and peaceful at the same time. During what I tend to think of as the ‘death throws’ of my relationship I had started drinking a lot more than usual, not enough to be a problem, just one or two every day, but they were a necessary one or two every day and I wasn’t comfortable with my growing dependency. Since the session however I have found I naturally have started to lean away from the alcohol and junk food  and my natural leanings towards good, nourishing choices is returning.

I was prepared to start becoming mentally strict with myself, imposing self-discipline to overcome these negative habits and indulgences in order to restore my physical and spiritual energy based self, but it was like I had bypassed that mental process. I felt like the sound healing had worked on my energy body directly and the physical effect flowed naturally in response, all I need to do was go with it and nurture it. Mental discipline is hard, this was definitely much easier!

I spent some time wondering how I could bring more of this sort of sound healing into my life on a more regular basis. I had previously asked Mr Z to put a Tibetan singing bowl on my Christmas list but now that wasn’t going to happen I decided to do it for myself and I went out this weekend in search of my own bowl. I really enjoyed the process of search for one, listening to many different shapes and sizes and choosing the right one for me. It now sits on my bedside table and when I feel that creeping sense of unease as to my potentially empty and lonely future, I pick it up and I focus on running the wooden mallet smoothly around the rim to allow it’s beautiful sound to envelop and sooth my soul. It’s such a beautiful mindful activity.

Just quietly, I have this feeling that something really good is waiting for me just around the corner. I keep catching glimpses of something in the corner of my mind, like memories of a dream fading away that you just can’t quite catch hold of, and there is a little, growing sense of anticipation. I feel like something is quietly knocking at the door and all I need to do is work on me, keep my thoughts and energy positive, push away those nagging fears that keep trying to take over my mind and clear space in my life to let it in.

There’s a new chapter being written, and that’s exciting.

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We broke up

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We broke up

Looking back now I can see I stayed far too long in this relationship. I wonder if I hadn’t been supporting Mr Z through his master’s degree and felt if we parted ways that it would affect his study that I might have done it sooner. The truth is that my needs weren’t being met and I had been unhappy for a long time, but there always seemed to be a reason not to give up. If I was a bit more tolerant, if I was a bit more patient, if I managed my own emotions better, if I was more understanding, if I appreciated what I did get out of the relationship a bit more then it would all get better.

The thing was Mr Z was soon to finish his study for the year, and he would have time for me at long last. As it got closer though I realised I was dreading that. Yes, I had been feeling isolated, yes I had been feeling very lonely and really needed to make some plans with someone and have things to do together, but the divide between Mr Z and I was so wide now that I felt lonelier in his company than I did when actually on my own. It wasn’t working.

I had given too much, there was nothing left to give, if the relationship was going to heal it was because he would recognise that and do something to fix it, he would give back. I knew though that he wasn’t capable of it. He wasn’t capable of noticing, he wasn’t capable of putting himself in my shoes and seeing things from my point of view and working out my needs. I had been telling him what my needs were quite directly but it had become the endless drone of demands and nagging to him, I could see it. He wasn’t listening, he didn’t want to.

He was soon to finish uni, he would be free to get a job, and anywhere he wanted to, he wouldn’t need my support anymore. His relationship with his own children had deteriorated to almost non-existent – something that I was never comfortable with – and the only ties he now had were to me, and my family. He started making comments about my lead weights, my albatrosses: my children. I am a mother I told him, I love my children and meeting the challenges of parenting is fulfilling. I wanted to settle down, buy a property, grow a garden, get a dog. I want that life, he had told me he wanted that life, but clearly he wanted freedom.

As the end of his last semester approached his need for me diminished and his evasiveness over the future grew. He had never consistently pulled his own weight and it was getting worse now, arguments about him contributing to the rent and expenses escalated (along with his complaints about my children). He’d always claimed he would give back, later, when he had a full time job. It was increasing clear that he wouldn’t. My resentment grew, simmering inside me and too frequently boiling over into nasty arguments. I didn’t like myself anymore.

There had always been part of me that had seen this coming, but I had continually given him the benefit of the doubt. Classes ended, I had intended to let him stay until his exams were over at least, but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t last that long. Feeling like the worst person in the world I asked him to leave; he went to his mother’s place, a four hour drive away. He returned only on the days of his exams, then he was gone for good.

I waited for the heartbreak, that almost physical pain. I waited for the feeling of emptiness and disconnection to wash over me. I waited for all those feelings to hit me like a tonne of bricks, but they didn’t. I felt some fear for the future, some fear at having no backup if something happened with the kids, and an old familiar ache at the prospect of facing a future alone, but I didn’t feel heartbreak. He hadn’t given me enough for me to miss anything when he was gone, he had only taken and drained, and now all I felt was relief.

I am free.

Blogger recognition award nominations

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Blogger recognition award nominations

I’d like to say a big thank you to Alyssa at Simple Alyssums for nominating me for the Blogger Recognition Award, it really did make my day, but I also want to apologise that it has taken me so long to respond. My blog is very new and it took me a few days to try and work out who I would nominate because I have enjoyed so many blogs. Unfortunately during that time my life turned upside-down as it became clear my relationship needed to end and I choose to stay away from blogging for a while, I was just not in a space in which I could write. I’m getting back there now though, and looking forward to enjoying it again. On a brighter note please do go check out Alyssa’s blog at https://simplealyssums.wordpress.com, she is a beautiful person with a great outlook on life!

The rules

Thank whoever nominated you and include a link to their blog

Write a post and give a brief story of how your blog started

Give a piece of advice or two to new bloggers

Select 5 other blogs you want to give the award to

Let the nominees know you have nominated them and provide a link to the nomination details.

My blogging story

This year has been quite a trying and eventful year for me and originally looked for a journal app in order to start journaling to help me manage my life, but decided to create a blog instead as I felt the potential that other people might read it would help to keep me more accountable to my thoughts and resolutions. I felt blogging would encourage me to think more carefully before I write so that my ‘journal’ didn’t turn into nothing more than a series of vents with little insight attached – and no action. I blog for me, not to entertain other people or to increase stats etc, but also to connect to other people, and I’ve found this WordPress space a great way of doing that.

What I learned recently is that in the inevitable ebb and flow of life there comes a time when it can get overwhelming and at that time I feel it’s best to put the blinkers on, live day by day without thinking too hard about what’s happening and just keep the wheels turning until the rough period is over. Emotions come and go through these testing periods and it’s best not to feed too much energy to them, but rather let them wash over without holding on. In that situation I prefer to keep busy and fill my life with things that distract and prevent over thinking, pretty much the opposite to why I blog, which is why I didn’t recently. If I had a blog that was hobby based I probably would have been on here every day, instead I did mindful type activities that capture my entire attention (like practice the piano) and threw myself into work, into a new gym routine, and unfortunately for my bank account, into some home improvements to create a nicer space to enjoy! My advice for any new bloggers would be to respect your own needs first and foremost, there are times for expanding outwards into the world and there are times for turning inward and withdrawing, so know and honour where you are at. Bottom line, blog based on what is right for you, not to please other people.
My nominations

I love talking to people and getting a view of their perspective on life, even if it conflicts with my own ideas as I think its healthy to have my ideas challenged. In keeping with this I do enjoy reading a wide variety of blogs, as you’ll see below. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

http://thelovebungalow.com/

http://deborahparise.com/

http://thelifewithowen.wordpress.com

http://oprahismyreligion.wordpress.com

http://thechastecyclist.com