30 weeks. I feel like I’m over the hump and the countdown has begun. I’m working on my thoughts at the moment though, and have caught myself out in some unhelpful thinking. I have found there’s some early mother guilt setting in. I often think that I wish I enjoyed pregnancy, I really do, but I am working too hard, too far from home and all I feel is exhaustion. I feel like I should be the serene mother, taking time to sit quietly and “commune” with my unborn baby, sending loving, positive vibes her way, practicing deep breathing and generally being calm. In reality that might have happened maybe twice in this whole pregnancy. I wish I had time to do yoga to help my back, instead of spending so many hours a day at a computer ruining it. I feel like I’m already a bad, busy, overworked mother and she is a neglected baby.
Really, that’s ridiculous. By dwelling on this woe-is-me attitude all I’m doing is robbing myself of the little joy that is available, and that’s all. It’s a picture of an ideal world and while some of us are lucky to live in it many of us aren’t. I’m busy, but I’m busy because I’m supporting my family and building my future, trying to change and adapt it to one that doesn’t have to go back to the office – a two hour commute away – five days a week, way too early in her little life. I’m busy because I’m planning to be there for her future. I’m generally eating well, getting moderate exercise and trying to manage my stress the best I can, and that’s all she needs right now. I’m not a bad mother before she’s even born, I’m a strong, capable woman, looking towards and planning for her future while not neglecting the other commitments in my life. Right now that’s the best I can be, and it is enough.