Tag Archives: Healing

30 weeks and getting my inner house in order

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30 weeks and getting my inner house in order

30 weeks. I feel like I’m over the hump and the countdown has begun. I’m working on my thoughts at the moment though, and have caught myself out in some unhelpful thinking. I have found there’s some early mother guilt setting in. I often think that I wish I enjoyed pregnancy, I really do, but I am working too hard, too far from home and all I feel is exhaustion. I feel like I should be the serene mother, taking time to sit quietly and “commune” with my unborn baby, sending loving, positive vibes her way, practicing deep breathing and generally being calm. In reality that might have happened maybe twice in this whole pregnancy. I wish I had time to do yoga to help my back, instead of spending so many hours a day at a computer ruining it. I feel like I’m already a bad, busy, overworked mother and she is a neglected baby. 

Really, that’s ridiculous. By dwelling on this woe-is-me attitude all I’m doing is robbing myself of the little joy that is available, and that’s all. It’s a picture of an ideal world and while some of us are lucky to live in it many of us aren’t. I’m busy, but I’m busy because I’m supporting my family and building my future, trying to change and adapt it to one that doesn’t have to go back to the office – a two hour commute away – five days a week, way too early in her little life. I’m busy because I’m planning to be there for her future. I’m generally eating well, getting moderate exercise and trying to manage my stress the best I can, and that’s all she needs right now. I’m not a bad mother before she’s even born, I’m a strong, capable woman, looking towards and planning for her future while not neglecting the other commitments in my life. Right now that’s the best I can be, and it is enough.

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Feeling valued

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Feeling valued

I have to say, today I have felt better than I have in a long time. Have I started on my goals from my last post yet? Umm, well I booked a hair appointment, but there is still time in the day to get one of my mini workouts ticked off (chances are about 50/50)! What’s made the difference so quickly then you ask? Well, I think the intention I set to be more positive and look at the good things in life has already made a difference, but another big thing is that MrZ may not be great at emotional issues or be a great communicator, but when I have been able to voice my needs clearly and he understands them he steps up, which he has done over the last few days. He has gone out of his way to make me feel special and to reassure me that he wants a future with me (something I have felt he gives me little indication of), giving me the security and reassurance I crave.

He is not perfect, nor am I, and we both have healing still left to do, but it truly feels wonderful when someone puts in a big effort for you. I feel valued. I have made sure MrZ knows how grateful I am, a relationship is a two way street. I think it is a sign of a healthy relationship that a person can put aside their own fears/wants/needs to give their partner what they need, it’s just that I am used to being the one doing the supporting and I haven’t been on the receiving end all that often. It’s not something I take for granted.

I know that I had become worn down by life and it’s challenges lately and was probably starting to slide into an actual depression so I still have work to do. My goals of getting fit and of finding more balance in my life are critically important, and I actually feel more motivated now. I’m grateful to my partner, and for him I want to get back to theĀ fun person he used to know and love!

Now, I’m off to blow up that exercise ball…

Aftermath

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Aftermath

The following week went by in a bit of a haze. I had plenty to keep me busy given the recent move and my eldest was not settling into school too well and needed a lot of support, which translates to endless patience and tolerance regarding his less than pleasant behaviour. MrZ withdrew to the downstairs room to study most evenings, leaving me to continue unpacking and sit alone after the kids had gone to bed. He was affectionate when he was around, but the thing was he was not around much. For a while this all seemed ok, just life moving on. Then came the following weekend which the kids spent with their dad, leaving me alone at home all day on Saturday. That was when everything hit me. I still had a lot to do but nothing was particularly urgent, and well, I was struggling to even get out of bed. It was lunch time before I managed it and even then I didn’t achieve much. The weight of everything had caught up with me and like in a bad dream it felt like I was trying to move through sludge. I didn’t really know what I was feeling exactly, I only knew I felt bad. Really bad.

The following day was the first day to ourselves MrZ and I had together in quite a while and we should have enjoyed it. What happened however was so far from that. If I had to sum up in one word what I was feeling towards MrZ at that time it would have to be “resentment”. I resented supporting him for so long, I resented that he had failed a subject and it was going to be even longer. I resented that all of this meant he had not been happy about the baby. I resented that when I told him he had remained focused on his ex wife. I resented his distance when I was actually pregnant and I resented his lack of support when I lost the baby. I resented his continual complaints about my kids, who were clearly going through quite a tough transition after the move. I resented that I felt like I had at least three jobs – my paid job, looking after everything at home, and emotional support for everyone – when all he had to do was focus on study. I resented that I felt like I hold sole responsibility for everything.

And I went to pieces.

Did he handle that any better than he had handled everything else? No. He is not a good communicator and he doesn’t know how to manage emotions and I know that about him. He gets immediately defensive and that feels like he is invalidating me and the argument escalates, exactly as it did that day. I was feeling isolated and alone. The grief of my loss and his lack of acknowledgment and support was suffocating me and nothing but the thought of getting him out of my life forever seemed to make me feel better, and I told him that. Just like with everything else he didn’t seem to react too much. I felt like my heart was bleeding. I cried and cried and cried.

Eventually everything calmed down and I realised I should not be making any decisions while feeling this way, I needed to let time pass. We retreated to our corners. I went to work with a puffy face from crying at night several times that week, telling people I was suffering really bad hay fever. I don’t think anyone bought it the first day but I arrived little better for the rest of the week and I think they eventually thought it must be true.

That week with MrZ was awful. When he is unhappy he can be very distant, cold and sarcastic and I didn’t let any of it slide, I was angry and I met him barb for barb, which only ever escalates things. I was so cruel in my response to him one day that I could see pain in his face; I had managed to get to him. When I looked at the hurt in his eyes I felt only satisfaction, finally he was feeling pain too. When I realised this I was devastated: what was I turning into? I was so ashamed that finally I broke free of the stupid, hurtful game of acid tongue. I switched to another coping mechanism, I detached. Feeling so numb that his words no longer got to me I didn’t retaliate, instead I called him out, simply commenting on his childish behaviour without engaging. My withdrawal only made him worse.

Finally, when it looked like anything we had ever had was gone and we were completely over, he stopped. He stopped and he reached past his own feelings about his life and his disappointment in the way it had turned out and he became kind again, and comforted me, and held me, and told me he wanted to make us right. I let down my walls and let myself be comforted. I didn’t really want us to be over, but for a while I hadn’t been able to see a way back to what we had. He was leading now, and it was the only way, it was what I needed and I let him and I thanked him for it. The following days were a case of two steps forward, one step back, but at least we were beginning to heal.